Saturday, February 22, 2014

On patience.

"Be still, and know that I am God" -Psalms 46:10
I am a seriously impatient person.

There are good sides to that trait. I like progress. I like to move forward. I never like to sit still and keep doing the same things. I always want to feel like I'm going somewhere. That can be a huge motivator.

The trouble is, sometimes there's really nothing I can do but keep going in the same direction, doing the same things, and having hope for the future. Sometimes I just need to have faith that I am moving forward, even if it doesn't feel like it.

It seems kind of silly to say that I'm not moving forward. I'm working hard in school and I'm nearing the end. I'm in really great classes where I'm learning a ton and improving as a person.  I'm still learning how to be a wife. I'm making new friends and having new experiences. So, what's the problem with this?

The problem is that, for impatient little me, it feels like I've been in the same place for ages. I want to move to the next step in my life. I've been going to school for more than 3 years. I've been married for over a year. Yes, I know these are pitifully small periods of time, but like I said, I'm impatient, and two months feels like an eternity.

Patience is one of those things that's so much easier said than done. I'm so attracted to the idea of non-action, of letting go and enjoying every moment of life--but in practice, I can hardly stand to sit still and wait.

Lately, I've just wanted to be done with school. I used to love it, but now it feels like an obstacle. I don't have much longer in school--about one semester's worth of credits to take--but I'm dreading what I have left to do. I have so many goals for my life and writing, and it kind of feels like school is just getting in the way of what I want to do.

I want to work on my writing--on finding the voice and style that I want to use for the rest of my life--but I'm spending all my time on dry, dull academic writing which I swear I will never touch again once I have my bachelor's degree.

I want to live healthier, but I can't cultivate healthy routines with our school and work schedules.

I want to cook more, but I hardly have time.

I want to have a place to live, a home, that I can really call my own.

I want to move on with my life. 

I'm tired of being a student, being in Provo, being childless, living in an apartment that kind of resembles a prison. (Or a dorm room. Whatever.) Knowing that nearly all the friends I make now will be temporary. This all used to be so liberating, but now it's just wearisome. (Does that mean I'm a real adult now?)

What helps you when you're getting impatient?

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